By Cindy Waddell
This is my true-life story; recounting my struggles with daily life and how God brought me through them and provided healing. It is my hope that my testimony will minister to you and bring hope and healing to your spirit, soul and body. [The names have been changed to protect privacy.]
“Now to Him Who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us” (Eph. 3:20).
At the age of 5, I was introduced to sex. My parents both worked and I stayed with my great grandmother during the day. My grandmother’s neighbor Joe began sexually abusing me. He lured me to his home with candy and invited me in. I saw beds everywhere. He let me jump on his bed, as high and as long as I wanted. I wasn’t allowed to do that at home, so it felt free and good. He invited me over several times. Cookies, candy, food and money seemed to never disappear. I was having a blast!
The loss of innocence
Then, Joe wanted to wrestle and play games. It sounded good to me. He started hugging and touching me. He said,” This is an adult game between me and you.” Then he gave me some candy. On the 4th day, he told me it was our little secret; I couldn’t tell anyone. I agreed that I wouldn’t. Well, the games began…
Joe called me names like Honey and Sweetie. He made things pleasurable and started showing me child pornography. He said, “Wouldn’t you like to have your picture in a book?” I said, “What if my mom and dad find out?” “Oh, they don’t look at magazines like these,” he said. He started grooming me for child pornography. He showed me it every time I went over and wanted me to pick out a picture for the magazine. He always told me he loved me and would hug me. Candy, money and food continued. He convinced me not to tell. He said, “Your father will spank you with his belt and beat me up, if you talk about our little game.” It seemed like my father spanked me all the time anyways. I trusted this man.
Then came the day. Joe gave me a white substance to put in my great grandmother’s coffee. I waited until she fell asleep and then went over to his house. In his bedroom was a big black camera and a lady whom I had never seen before. He wanted me to lay down with her and told me to undress. He said he would get $10,000 if I cooperated and would buy me a bicycle and lots of toys. Being the strong-willed child that I was, I didn’t cooperate. However, he managed to take pictures and it seemed like I was there forever. That afternoon, I went home and woke up my great grandmother. She asked me what I had put in her coffee to make her sleep all day. I didn’t tell.
Life-threatening abuse
One day Joe drove me down into the woods. There we met an older man who had a dog and a horse with him. I had been drugged by Joe before arriving and their plan was to film me having sex with these animals. Joe was surprised to see the horse.” I didn’t know there was a horse going to be here.” he said. I was being held by Joe and wouldn’t get down. The man with the camera got mad! He punched Joe in the nose and blood came gushing out. I started crying and did not understand what was happening. The older man said “Don’t you know you are supposed to groom kids you don’t care about? Those pictures were a waste of time too! Now you’ve screwed this up! Now you must kill her! She has seen my face and can tell.”
Joe had a plan to kill me. He had a girlfriend whom my family called Bee because she drove a Volkswagen Beetle. She was short and fat and a very nice lady. She always wanted to hug me, but I didn’t want to, since I was suspicious that something might happen. One day, Joe decided we needed to go on a vacation weekend. My parents consented, only if Bee would be there. So, off we went!
Joe went out of his way to get a motel with a pool. He took us out for dinner and said I could order anything I wanted. He even ordered me a giant ice cream sundae! He and Bee had words about the food being too much for me. He said, “She surely don’t get it at home.”
The next morning, off to the pool we went! Joe played with me in the pool and I was having so much fun! When the time came to go, Bee went back to the hotel room and left us outside. Joe put baby oil on me, my hands and on the sides of the pool that were 3 feet deep. He told me to go around the edge of the pool and hold on tightly. Then, he went inside. As I went around, my hand slipped; it scared me and I held on tighter with my other hand, even though water got on my face. God was with me. Something in my mind said to go the shorter way back. I got out of the pool and knocked on the motel door. Joe came out of the room mad! He had his belt unbuckled and I felt like I was going to get a whooping. I was intimidated. He told me to go back into the pool, but I didn’t.
That night, Joe put something in Bee’s drink and she quickly fell asleep. I slept with him. I couldn’t stand the booze on his breath, so I didn’t respond to him the way he wanted. The next morning, he took pictures of us at the pool and made me get on the edge of the diving board. I was terrified. Then, back home we went. I was still alive!
Another time Joe took me to a motel room, there was a man from Chicago. He was terrified that I was there. Joe was in the bathroom for a long time, putting on makeup, lipstick and a nightgown. They exchanged the natural for the unnatural. I was scared, yet I trusted and loved Joe. I got home late that night. My grandmother had been worried about me and said I was acting weird.
Worse and worse
The next day, Joe explained that I, too, should exchange the natural for the unnatural. He said,” You need to dress like a boy. You need to wear blue like boys do.” He used the word homosexual. I did not understand, although I remember clearly what he had said to me. I felt weird about my sexuality after that, but I chose not to do as he suggested. By God’s grace, I have never been involved with another woman.
The abuse continued and around the age of 10, Joe told me I needed to start having sex with my father.
My dad had a 7th grade education and worked in construction. He worked when weather permitted and when he wanted to. At one point, he had been in the Shriners and Masons, until he did something illegal and was thrown out. My mom worked late, trying to keep bills paid. While she worked, I kept the house and took care of my dad and younger brother. It seemed like we had a life of luxury; we had a lake house, boats, motorhomes and luxury cars. I water skied every weekend, which I loved to do.
One night, my father and I began wrestling on the floor. This was the beginning of being sexually abused 2-3 times a day. Emotional, mental and physical abuse began as well. He took my relationships and cut them off. He isolated me from other people. He had arguments with neighbors and family members which separated me from others. I had to load his work trucks, carry bricks, blocks and scaffold jacks, cut the grass, clean cars and trucks, etc. He made me into his slave-sexually, mentally and physically. I was not allowed to say no to any of his commands. It was always, “Yes Sir.” He was a tyrant. A tyrant is defined as one who exercises power in a harsh way, in a cruel manner, an oppressor. I was definitely oppressed. I never had privacy; he was always with me. I never knew peace. When he was with another person, I was not allowed to talk. One night, he said he would kill me with a sledgehammer, because I couldn’t hold his dune buggy up while he worked on it.
Considering everything going on at home, I did well in school. I was usually a B average student, but my father demanded A’s. For this reason, I hated bringing my report card home. My teachers wanted me to take college bound courses but since I knew I wouldn’t make A’s, I took easy classes throughout high school.
Gospel light
In the summer of 6th grade, I was a teacher’s aide at a childcare center my brother attended. There was a lady who worked there who would read her Bible outside at lunch. I went out several times to talk with her while she read. At first, I seemed to irritate her. However, one day she gave me Scripture and I said a prayer to receive Christ. I didn’t know what that meant, but I prayed and believed what she read to me. She said I would change if I truly believed. I quit smoking.
Home didn’t change, however. Through friends at school, I started doing drugs and drinking alcohol from the age of 12 until I was 17. They made me feel good and relaxed. My stomach was no longer in knots and I felt freedom from my emotions. My favorite song lyric was,” I have become comfortably numb” and I stayed that way as much as possible. No one seemed to notice; I was quiet and seemed content.
One day, my father brought a 1978 Camaro to my job. It was beautiful; black on black, with chrome wheels. I bought it and worked to pay for it. At 16 years of age, I was on my own with a dream car. I was wild!
However, my life was anything but a dream. I began fighting my father off and the sexual abuse began to slow down. He didn’t like it and was mad at me most of the time. At 17, I couldn’t take it any longer. My insides were a wreck. I was at the end of my rope, in complete despair and despondency. My options were to get help or commit suicide. So, I broke the silence and exposed what my father had been doing to me.
Incest exposed
I had an aunt who always stood up for me throughout my growing up years. My father would hit me or say bad things to me and she would fight back. Around 13 years of age, my father severed this relationship so he wouldn’t be found out. I went to her house and told her and my mom what had been happening. She understood like always. My mom believed me and shared that she, too, had been abused by her father. My aunt and mom confronted my father and forced him to leave. My parents got a divorce which brought some relief, but I still feared that he was going to come after me and hurt me. I lived in fear.
I had my first counseling session in 1979 with a psychotherapist who said, “this is the worst case of child abuse I’ve ever heard of. “I counseled with her for a while, before she referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed anti-depressants. The psychiatrist told me I was like a yoyo; never knowing when I was going to be up or down. She helped me change outwardly and I experienced some inner change as well. She told me I needed to get some ‘religion’ in my life and to attend the church my family went to. Well, church was not a priority in my family. (When I was 8 years of age, my parents joined a small country church and were baptized there. We attended off and on, but we moved away and stopped going to church altogether.)
I continued to do drugs and drink alcohol while taking the anti-depressants. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and I was still suicidal. I smoked tons of marijuana like a chain smoker. I could not seem to find any relief through drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, sleep, food, the usual luxuries of life or even through counseling. Over time, I decided to stop drinking and doing drugs because of the antidepressants I was on.
A heavenly vision
A year later, I had an experience at my grandfather’s grave. I decided, one dark and drizzly day, to invite my grandmother to the movies. We were close. I called her almost every day; I loved her very much! After the movie, something in my mind said to go by my grandfather’s grave. I had done this, many times before. He was a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for 13 years before he died. I had taken care of him during the summertime; he was like a father to me. When I arrived at his grave, I looked up into the gray sky. A flashing beam of light came through the clouds; the sky parted and it was a beautiful baby blue color. Clouds began to form. A cloud on the right formed the face of Jesus as we know him in pictures today. He had long hair and perfect circles for His eyes and nostrils. On the left side, clouds formed my grandfather’s face. He didn’t have any hair down the middle and his eyes and nose were perfect circles. They were joined together at the bottom. I stood there confessing and regretting things I had done in the past, sorry I hadn’t become the nurse my grandfather had wanted me to be. Instead, I had done drugs and partied. This confessing seemed to go on for a few minutes. Then, I looked down at my feet and saw two red ribbons. One was shaped like a heart and the other was in the shape of eyes. It was like Jesus had come into my heart and given me new eyes to see. I looked back up and the sky was dark gray again. I was flooded with peace like I had never known before! I had always been in a state of turmoil; but now, inside my mind, there was quietness. I had the desire to go to church, but I was scared to go, wondering what they would do to me.
Six months later, I went to church with my cousin. At the end of the service, she gave her life to the Lord and joined the church. The next Wednesday night, I went back to church alone. At the end of the service, I went to the front, fell on my knees, and with a repentant heart and tears, prayed to God and asked Him to forgive me. I was a woman of much sin. I met with a lady counselor that night and she led me in the sinner’s prayer. I received Christ into my heart and joined the church. That was September 1985; I was 21 years old. This was the beginning of Christ healing me on the inside.
What about your troubles?
Have you ever felt shame and guilt when you really hadn’t done anything extremely bad?
Have you ever felt like you are in bondage to sin?
Have you ever had a sin in your life you can’t get rid of?
Have you ever had a habit that would not go away?
Have you ever felt like a failure in life?
Have you ever thought there can’t be a good God?
Have you ever felt brokenhearted?
Have you ever felt all alone?
Have you ever felt like you have a dysfunctional family?
Have you ever felt that your closest friends can’t relate or understand what you have been through?
Have you ever felt condemned by others?
Has your mind raced with thoughts that seemed out of control?
Have you ever focused on suicide for days at a time?
Have you ever thought, Why am I in this world anyway? I could have done without this experience.
What’s the purpose of my life?
Have you ever thought you were the ugliest person in the whole wide world?
I felt all of this, plus a lot more.
I had always lived by my feelings, which was not a dependable way to live. I was provoked to anger all during my growing up years. Some people express it, while others turn it inward and even contemplate suicide. I turned my anger inward. Throughout my childhood and life, I experienced profound feelings of dejection, hopelessness, discouragement, gloom, despondency, depression and grief. From my exposure to beastiality, I felt dirty and shameful; guilty that I would let something like this happen to me. I wondered how a man could ever love me. My thinking was very distorted, confused and jumbled together. It caused me to have suicidal thoughts every day, it seemed. I didn’t tell anyone for years. I thought I was the ugliest girl in the world; I thought I was worthless.
After I became a Christian, I saw a new way of life. However, I still had these old thought patterns and emotions that had to be dealt with; I had a lot of baggage in my life. By God’s grace, He began healing my mind, will and emotions. When I became a Christian, my eyes were opened. God used His Word, His love letter to the world, to bring healing to my broken soul. I barely knew where Genesis was in the Bible, (much less how to locate the book of Psalms, which God used to comfort me in dark hours). I poured myself into the reading of the Word and went to Church to begin to study it. The Bible came alive to me and healing began. The Lord renewed my mind through reading and meditating on His Word, day and night. God gave me a heart of flesh for my heart of stone (Ezek. 36:26).
Sometimes, I would read my Bible, pray and seek help from wise counselors, but I would still feel depressed. Depression is like being in a black hole. It affects your mind, will and body. You don’t think clearly. You don’t make right choices. Your body doesn’t respond right. You must force yourself to make the right choices for the day; sometimes to make yourself get out of bed. Your emotions can go up and down like a roller coaster. A black hole of depression is not easy to get out of. I took medication for many, many, years, all to no avail.
A spiritual breakthrough
However, Jesus is the Light of the World and He can break through any darkness. He showed me Psalm 88, the Psalm of despondency. Like the Psalmist, my thoughts were racing. I felt like there was no hope and that things were going to get worse. I cried out for many years in despair, both day and night. Tears flooded my eyes and bed. My mind, will and emotions were full of trouble. I’ve never owned a gun, but there were times when I wanted one as I contemplated suicide. I knew God but somehow felt barriers or blocks between us. I felt as though I was in the lowest pit of darkness; affliction had hit me. Waves of emotions flooded over me. I felt as though I had no close friends; I felt cut off. God, in His Providence, had put them far from me. From my youth I had been afflicted and I was ready to die. Somehow reading this Psalm, crying out to God with many tears, brought relief and healing to my mind and body.
Jesus may have felt alone and rejected by man as He walked upon the earth. He died on the cross for me that I might be a partaker of His divine life (1 Peter 2:24; 3:18). Yes, Jesus is the answer. He is the solution when we have tried everything and exhausted our own resources. I had exhausted mine and I was ready for Him. I stretched out my hands and cried out to the Lord. God worked wonders.
God was bringing me to a place of brokenness. Sometimes God puts us in circumstances that are hard at the time, to get our attention and to break our dependence on ourselves so that we can learn to depend on him. It’s like peeling an onion one layer at a time; the breaking of the outer man that the spirit of God may flow forth from the inner man. I had been told that feeling sorry for myself or self-pity was my main problem. I agreed, after all I had been through.
I started going to a home Bible study. A lady there began telling me:
- I was a new creation;
- Old things had passed away and new things had come (2 Cor. 5:17).
- My spirit had become new and alive to God.
- I was no longer dead in my trespasses and sins.
- Jesus had come to live inside me.
- I had a consciousness of God.
- I was now a saint instead of a victim.
- Being given a new identity in Christ, I was cleansed and washed white as snow (Isaiah 1:18).
- I no longer had to walk in my old ways; I could walk in newness of life.
I began living out of these Truths, even though I didn’t understand what they meant. I began believing I was a saint and started living victoriously in my walk with Christ. I began believing there was no condemnation for me anymore; I was no longer under the law but under grace (Rom. 6:14; 8:1). God taught me how to praise Him through His Holy Word and how to pray Scripture, especially for others. There are many ways to worship the Lord. Worship and praise music helped me get through tough days and nights. I also memorized Scripture through music. In Ephesians 5:19 God says to make a melody in your heart. Sometimes my spirit sings all by itself without me trying; my heart has been trained to respond to worship.
Freedom through forgiving
The Lord filled me with the ability to love and forgive others so that I might be set free! For me, love was badly distorted from the beginning of my childhood. I had an improper definition of love. Love was sex. However, God restored the true meaning of love when He showed me how to put love into practice. It is not only a word or a feeling: it is an action (1 Cor. 13:1-8). In the Bible, the greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our mind. The second is to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Matt. 22:37-39).
Forgiveness is not always easy to give to another person. I had a counseling session many years ago where I invited my father to come. He asked me to forgive him for the sexual sins that he had committed against me. I granted him forgiveness, but this was not an easy thing to do. After I had forgiven him and others, I wanted to take it back many times. Sometimes I would feel anger towards them instead of forgiveness. Even today, I sometimes struggle with forgiving the evil done to me. I will always remember the pain inflicted upon me by others, when I was innocent of the hurt that occurred.
It’s important to forgive from the heart. If we don’t, it can be filled with bitterness. Bitterness and unforgiveness will make your bones dry out and you will experience pain in your body (Prov. 17:22; Psalm 31:10; 32:3). For many people, unforgiveness has affected their entire life and they have gone to their grave with it. Can we as Christians, who have been forgiven so much, not forgive what others have done to us? We must be eager to forgive (Eph. 4:31,32). Allow the Holy Spirit to reveal any unforgiveness in your heart. Pray for wisdom and allow God to lead you. If needed, seek godly counsel to help you. Forgiveness is sometimes like an onion; the Holy Spirit may peel back a layer at a time in your heart to bring healing.
Before the Lord, we can choose to forgive another for the wrong they have done to us. We do not need to wait for them to make it right. If it repeatedly comes to mind, remind yourself that you have already forgiven the person for that issue. The Lord may also direct you to ask forgiveness directly from someone you have wronged. I asked a man to forgive me of a sin I committed 48 years ago. He granted forgiveness. I had already been forgiven by the Lord, but this man’s forgiveness made my heart feel cleansed from the sin I committed and I was set free!
Progressive deliverance
Jesus delivered me from depression. In God’s timing, I came off my medications and I could think clearer. I still struggle at times, but I choose to think and do the right thing, moment by moment.
If you have been in my situation and can understand what I am writing about, I want you to know that there is hope in Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:3-6). God’s grace and mercy are sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9). Jesus preached the good news of the gospel to the meek and the afflicted. He heals the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18; 147:3; Luke 4:18). He comforts those who mourn (Matt. 5:4). He came to set us free (John 8:32). He gives us joy unspeakable (1 Peter 1:8) and peace beyond all our comprehension (Phil. 4:7). He is a good, good Father (Psalm 103:13, Matt. 7:11, James 1:17, 1 John 3:1).
Jesus came to set me free! He gave me peace beyond all my understanding, instead of a heavy burden. He has become my joy, peace and patience (Gal. 5:22-23). He is Jehovah Rapha, the Great Physician (Exodus 15:26). He is the healer of my soul.
I am passing through this life, waiting on my new home in heaven. The world makes my body ache and groan for a new home above.
Cindy passed away on December 28th 2025, at 62 years of age. She shared that God put the desire within her to write a book about her life. However, she entered the Lord’s presence before it could be completed. This testimony was written from her own notes, to share how Christ became her Savior, Lord and very Life! She now knows life in Christ in heavenly glory!
In 1987, Cindy attended First Baptist Church in Atlanta Georgia, with Charles Stanley as Pastor. Here she learned the Galatians 2:20 truths of Identification with Christ. She had an Exchanged Life counselor by the name of Dr. James Hicks; he was her counselor for 35 years. God used these people to share the Message of the Cross, which brought her spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional healing. By God’s grace, she was able to testify “Christ is on the throne in my heart! He is my life! I have been crucified with Christ therefore I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Galatians 2:20). Her heart’s desire, other than publishing her life story, was to be certified in Exchanged Life Counseling with Grace Fellowship International (GFI) so she could disciple women in these truths and teach the Bible. Over the years, she attended GFI conferences and read Exchanged Life books. She also graduated from Carson Bible Institute. Before her passing, Cindy was progressing through the Life in Christ: A Personalized Discipleship Notebook to prepare for this certification track. She loved the Lord and wanted to know Him more.
“Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you” (Matt. 7:7-8).
May God be glorified throughout the world!
-Cheryl Anderson
.
Cindy Waddell attended a GFI workshop in Tennessee in August, 2015. From time to time over the years she would inquire about guidance and resources. Last year Cindy noticed our newly-published Life in Christ: A Personalized Discipleship Notebook. She liked it so much she asked for personal mentoring through it with our GFI Guide, Cheryl Anderson. Cindy donated copies of this workbook to a number of people in her sphere of influence.
Last summer Cindy sent us a rough draft of her testimony (above) and some devotional writings, asking us to help her with editing and possible publication. Cheryl edited her testimony and I added subtitles.
Last fall Cindy attended our Monday night online Bible study. We knew Cindy’s health was getting worse, but were sad to hear of her cancer diagnosis and hospitalization. Cheryl was able to visit with Cindy in person just hours before Cindy went to be with the Lord.
We pray Cindy’s testimony will encourage others who have experienced trauma to seek new life and healing through a vital, personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
-Dr. John Woodward
Director of Counseling and Training
Grace Fellowship International